Nicholas Cage is my friend
You don’t understand. IT WAS THE WORST. Like, worse than fucking Nicholas Cage in Season of the Witch.
I was pissed.
Just like all my other stories, this one begins with the sun shining, the wind gently dancing through the streets, flower blossoms gently caressing people’s faces in slow motion, children laughing, the sweetest aromas of spring in the air, the sky; that fucking blue sky with giant bunny rabbit and unicorn shaped clouds. It was glorious. I even starred in a spontaneous musical number in Union Square (I had so many characters to work with from the OWS protest).
Life = perfect.
I was finished with work and I could feel the slight pang of hunger. Guess where I am going? The best and finest dining establishment in all of NYC – 2 Bros. Pizza. Sigh. THE BEST.
So, there I am waiting in line, getting pissed at the girl behind the counter, because she is taking FOREVER and clearly she is new (except that she has been working there for over a year – I would know, I own stock in 2 Bros. - see my gut) and I start thinking about the Baz Luhrmann Sunblock Song. What? You know that song that was the graduation song in like 1999 or 2000. No, not Green Day or Vitamin C, seriously google it. Anyway, he told us to move to NYC but to move away before we get too hard. Fucking Sage. So, I started to think I might be becoming that NYC ANGRY person because I get so fucking mad at the customer service all over the city. But, then I remember that It’s Baz Luhrman and the name of his song is still the Sunblock Song . Seriously, the Sunblock Song? I grin and shuffle down the line. Also, Vitamin C.
I pay for my slice; with quarters - obviously - and I reach for the garlic powder to dust that bitch in glory. For those of you who don’t know, in order to reach 2 Bros. perfection, you must add garlic powder AND some heat. The red pepper flake provided is the answer to all foodgasms when you only have a one-dollar budget. So I reach over – thinking: “ Wow, it’s right in front of me! “ – usually I have to battle at least 7 teenagers, 5 drunk college kids, a man dressed as Santa Claus and a homeless man to find it.
And I watch as the whole jar dumps onto my slice.
The storm clouds roll in. Babies start crying, I hear a puppy get kicked, smoke detectors go off, records get scratched, glass shatters, someone steps in gum, a volcano erupts - and I’m pretty sure a virgin was sacrificed.
I look at the bitch behind the counter and she is laughing. She’s a dick. My blood boils over and Lisa Lampanelli comes out of my mouth. Literally, a teeny tiny version of Lisa starts spewing profanity.
I shake it off.
And ask for another slice.
The girl behind the counter says “No. It’s not her fault.”
So, I murdered that dick with a plastic knife.
IT WAS THE WORST.
I know right! Anyway my mouth is burning and I have to hide out in the subway system with Nick Cage for a few nights. I’ll catcha later.
I might be late to the boat on this one… but it had me giggling this afternoon.
In the year 2062, a bunch of elderly hipsters are interviewed about the good old days of social media.
can i have a friend like this please? Passion about the Mavericks and George Lucas.
TRAIL MIX FOR YOU!
I Ain’t Gonna Pee-Pee My Bed Tonight
I really really love the internet. AMERICA!!!!!!!
Study shows that 87 Percent of Movies Would Be Better With Michael Keaton in Them
The report, which gathered film data and survey results over a 12-year period, found that simply by adding Michael Keaton—either in a showy, leading-man part; a delicious, scene-stealing supporting role; or even an unexpected but heartily welcome cameo appearance—nearly 9 in 10 films would rate as at least “better,” and in many cases “much better.” read full article
I’ve been saying this for years. Although, I must admit that I was hoping that the same was true for all Kevin Costner and Nick Cage appearances as well.
I am thinking that a sequel of Face off needs to be made. Only this time it is a three-way between Michael, Kevin and Nick (perhaps a cameo from Brendan Fraser and Keanu). A revolutionary medical technique allows an undercover agent to take the physical appearance of a major criminal and infiltrate his organization. The agent’s plan is thwarted when the criminal does the same to his physical appearance and his criminal best friend. In order to catch them, he must become them. I think it’s catchy. Action, explosions, and an awesome plastic surgery/recovery montage ensue. Is this more action or more adventure? Maybe it’s just plain awesome.
Blockbuster gold. Just saying.
If Lady Gaga sported a cockroach dress, would she survive a nuclear attack?
WIth the new Subaru SEXY COMES STANDARD.
You made me laugh this morning Subaru.
You made me laugh.
Next idea for you. Sumo wrestlers with australian accents. yup. you’re welcome.
My Funny Valentine - Avi Amon
Had an idea this evening and decided to execute it! Gotta pay homage to the great Jamie Cullum - be sure to let me know what you think in the comments down below. Also, SUPER excited about the coming days and weeks… I have my audition for the Manhattan School of Music and Nate and I will be working together on a songwriting project we’re calling The Nook. Jazz, jazz, and more jazz, my friends. Stay tuned….
Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.
Jurassic Park: Sweded
1.) I love the Jurassic Park Films
2.) This is just awesome.
I loved the film bekindrewind. I ‘m even more in love with the people that have used their own creativity to create their own sweded films.
Josh Groban Sings The Best Tweets of Kanye West
and I’m a happy boy….
I don’t like sausage
Beth and I always fall on the floor laughing at this commercial. The little boy who says ” I don’t like sausage” absolutely kills me. I love his thick accent, his haircut is priceless, and he just wants his chicken nuggets.
Also, little humans are funny.
Oh man… i think i peed a little.